Episode 79: Help Me Help Rob Help You


READERS: Boots Raingear, Portaxx, Nutshell Gulag, John, Jimmyfranks, and Lemon

Edited by Boots Raingear

Like any modern internet citizens, we mourn the loss of AskJeeves.com. Back in its heyday, you could ask Jeeves any question, and the software would provide a response. Okay, sure - the response that Jeeves would give would have nothing to do with your question, and would instead try to point you to the website of its sponsor, but at least it was comforting that whatever your question was, Jeeves felt he has an answer. As it happens, over at the website eHelp.com, there's a similar situation. Except instead of poorly written alogrithm that randomly selects a sponsor, eHelp has one guy, or maybe it's a parrot. Anyway, you'll find out when you listen. This week, The F Plus learns if slavery was a good or a bad thing.

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CONTENT READ, IN ORDER
  1. Lots and lots of stuff. I don't think we kept a list this time, sorry.

MUSIC USED

  • They Might Be Giants - Where Do They Make Balloons?
  • Faith No More - Helpless

ADDITIONAL FUN

This drawing is by Zamza

Zamza Presents: Birth of a Rob
Last Updated on Thursday, 12 September 2013 20:06  

Comments   

 
+9 #57 John Toast 2012-09-15 03:45
Quoting Sex Bomb:


MY MOUTH ARMOR TASTES LIKE CHERRIES. KISS ME WOMAN.
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+6 #56 Sex Bomb 2012-09-14 01:38
ehelp.com/.../...
This is the best answer Rob has ever given and I will hear no argument otherwise.
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+4 #55 Cal 2012-08-23 14:27
FOR MY FRIEND. I meant for my friend. Useful information for him.
Oh man we can't edit our comments
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+4 #54 Cal 2012-08-23 14:27
Quoting Photomancer:
Quoting Cal:
So.
How CAN one gain carnal knowledge of a rifle.
I'm just asking.
For a friend.


Well, it depends on the kind of rifle, how much lube is used, and ... girth.

Oh hey thanks this is really useful information for me.
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+5 #53 Reginald Charming 2012-08-23 13:28
Quoting Photomancer:
Quoting Cal:
So.
How CAN one gain carnal knowledge of a rifle.
I'm just asking.
For a friend.


Well, it depends on the kind of rifle, how much lube is used, and ... girth.


Really? I just look at pictures where the guns are put in a way where they look like they are having sex with each other. Heeheehee, looks like gun sex!
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0 #52 Photomancer 2012-08-23 08:56
Quoting Cal:
So.
How CAN one gain carnal knowledge of a rifle.
I'm just asking.
For a friend.


Well, it depends on the kind of rifle, how much lube is used, and ... girth.
Quote | This is spam.
 
 
+6 #51 BootsRaingear 2012-08-22 05:59
Quoting curiouswonder:
"Good to know that some of my symptoms match anti-freeze poisoning though"

That's a hell of a sentence
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0 #50 Ashto 2012-08-21 12:42
ehelp.com/.../...

The headline is hilarious. When I first read it, I imagined someone's first reaction as being "fuck the ER, the Internet needs to know about this!"

I then read the actual body of the question, and now I'm feeling a little concerned about the writers predicament.
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+3 #49 Isfahan 2012-08-17 13:39
Quoting Julia:
Y'all need to try to get Rob on an episode of Irregular.


I dunno, Rob would probably just be all modest and diplomatic. He would never betray the burgeoning disdain for the status of human development taking root in his soul as a result of his time on eHelp. He's too good for the Internet.

He really is the Batman of answering questions, when you think about it.
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0 #48 Julia 2012-08-17 12:46
Y'all need to try to get Rob on an episode of Irregular.
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+2 #47 Cal 2012-08-17 07:43
So.
How CAN one gain carnal knowledge of a rifle.
I'm just asking.
For a friend.
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+4 #46 Portaxx 2012-08-13 01:17
Quoting Mortimer:
Quoting PKfireball:
I asked Rob if he had heard the episode, and this is the conversation that occurred.
ehelp.com/.../...


From the parrot's mouth;
"It is true that we get some silly questions in an "ask any question" format but nobody here has any control over what questions are asked. The objective is answer as many as possible and provide clear and accurate answers."

He has an objective. The objective is to answer questions clearly and accurately.


So in addition to being the world's smartest African grey parrot, Rob is apparently a damn saint to put up with this stuff and maintain that kind of attitude.
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0 #45 agentanalogue 2012-08-12 01:03
Q: Can someone help me financially to pay my bills as am in thoughness life.

A:
If you need financial assistance you should contact social services or charities in your local area where your circumstances can be verified.
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0 #44 agentanalogue 2012-08-12 01:02
there are times when I wish you guys could do ten hour long episodes... I looked on E-help for about five seconds and found this:

Q:Although I'm a leader, I find time to hang with Madea and deeds.

A: (ROB! ALWAYS ROB!)

Is this a question or an announcement?
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0 #43 Mortimer 2012-08-11 00:48
Quoting PKfireball:
I asked Rob if he had heard the episode, and this is the conversation that occurred.
ehelp.com/.../...


From the parrot's mouth;
"It is true that we get some silly questions in an "ask any question" format but nobody here has any control over what questions are asked. The objective is answer as many as possible and provide clear and accurate answers."

He has an objective. The objective is to answer questions clearly and accurately.
Quote | This is spam.
 
 
0 #42 TC 2012-08-10 20:13
So hey I got a suggestion for you guys that appeared recently:

chicagotribune.com/.../...
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0 #41 PKfireball 2012-08-10 18:53
I asked Rob if he had heard the episode, and this is the conversation that occurred.
ehelp.com/.../...
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+1 #40 montrith 2012-08-10 12:06
Quoting Zamza:
Thanks for the kind words about my drawing, I'm glad it warmed your cockles! Believe it or not, I had never really shown the things I made to anyone on the internet before now. People seem to like them, so I signed up with Deviantart yesterday and if you want you can check out some of my other pictures over there.
My gallery is at sedji-zamza.deviantart.com/. Do swing by and say hello.


Since I don't have an active dA account, I'm just saying this is awesome here. I love how you made Rob the Advice Parrot a gritty detective. He even has the tragic backstory.
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+2 #39 Zamza 2012-08-10 03:36
Thanks for the kind words about my drawing, I'm glad it warmed your cockles! Believe it or not, I had never really shown the things I made to anyone on the internet before now. People seem to like them, so I signed up with Deviantart yesterday and if you want you can check out some of my other pictures over there.
My gallery is at sedji-zamza.deviantart.com/. Do swing by and say hello.
Quote | This is spam.
 
 
+2 #38 Navigator 2012-08-08 21:45
Quoting Zamza:
[pictures go here]


I think my favorite part of this is "CITY'S BEST P.I. IS A FRIKKIN PARROT JESUS CHRIST".
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+1 #37 Cal 2012-08-08 15:53
Quoting Zamza:
[pictures go here]

Inbetween Rob's face of sheer, parroty determination and the pervert's other questions, this is an absolute masterpiece.
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0 #36 Isfahan 2012-08-07 13:07
I just checked to see if "How can I gain carnal knowledge of my rifle*" was an actual question on eHelp. It wasn't, but I wouldn't put it past the Internet.

*the answer is "Stick your dick down the barrel. If you are female, or your penis is a poor fit for the barrel, stick the muzzle into your orifice of choice."
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+19 #35 Zamza 2012-08-07 11:36
I too am an admirer of Rob the Advice Parrot. I agree with Portaxx, perhaps he is motivated by a tragic past?



50 years later...



(yeah, whatever, ehelp not ehow, oh whoops)
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+1 #34 Reginald Charming 2012-08-04 00:17
Quoting dodoman1:
Silly Michael Downard, this is not Kickstarter.


"I'm making an amateur movie. Yeah, it'll have some stabbing in it. Also an arm getting lopped off. What do you mean I'm a remorseless pervert? NO, NOT THAT KIND OF AMATEUR! Also it needs to be like real life, like Series 7: The Contenders. How do I get this movie on a big screen?"
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0 #33 dodoman1 2012-08-03 18:12
Quoting montrith:

And this guy apparently confused eHelp with iwanttositonmyassandmakemoneywithouteffort.com. It's an easy mistake to make I admit.

ehelp.com/.../michaeldownard


Silly Michael Downard, this is not Kickstarter.
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+2 #32 Isfahan 2012-08-03 14:06
Sometimes the temptation to troll is so incredibly great. Fortunately, I'm a grown-ass man so restraint usually wins out, but this is something I came up with:

"wat shud i do w/this chek 4 1000$?"

"hi ppl my ant died n she left me a 1 thousand $$$ casheer check but i dun have nuffin 2 spend it on so ya wut shud i do w/it????"
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0 #31 montrith 2012-08-03 12:51
ehelp.com/.../...

ehelp.com/.../...

Seems legit to me! What better place to ask for money than an anonymous Internet community. Let me send you a check for 1000 right now.

And this guy apparently confused eHelp with iwanttositonmya ssandmakemoneyw ithouteffort.co m. It's an easy mistake to make I admit.

ehelp.com/.../michaeldownard
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+4 #30 dodoman1 2012-08-03 12:16
Quoting dave:
ehelp.com/.../...

Just... Sitting there on the front page.

You want to eat cake by yourself? Have I got a community for you!
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0 #29 dave 2012-08-03 12:09
ehelp.com/.../...

Just... Sitting there on the front page.
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+8 #28 HZéT 2012-08-03 05:29
That Diglett guy seems to have become such an ass. I liked him better when he was underground.
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