Wesley Crusher: Teenage Fuck Machine [An Audiobook]

READERS: Jimmyfranks, Isfahan, Portaxx, John, Boots Raingear, and Lemon.

Edited by Jimmyfranks

One of our favorite sites, Regretsy, recently featured this Kindle-only novella by Kitty Glitter (author of Sherlock Holmes: A Case of Dicklessness and The Feline Puerto Rican), and fame immediately followed. The book made its way to the Kindle Top 20 list, Kitty Glitter collected a king's ransom for his efforts, and then the inevitable happened. This very much unlicensed and damging piece of fanfiction was removed from Amazon, and we all feared Wesley Crusher's erotic tale was never to be told again. We had to intervene. What we present to you here is Kitty Glitter's Wesley Crusher: Teenage Fuck Machine, in full, without asides or commentary.

download spacer itunes spacer google spacer rss

Here is the original posting about this book on Regretsy, with a few updates as it slowly gained in popularity. And if it turns out this story leaves you wanting more, you might be interested in another of Kitty Glitter's works, Bad Lieutenant: Pussy Blood for the low low price of 99 cents.

MUSIC USED

  • Star Trek: Encounters - Neil Norman and his Cosmic Orchestra
  • Star Trek Rap (feat. Prime Directive and Galaxy Class) - Those Aren't Muskets


Last Updated on Wednesday, 04 April 2012 21:48  

Comments   

 
0 #25 Ian 2013-06-08 22:46
This is by far the funniest star trek related thing I have ever every heard, the writing is spot on and you guys got the timing perfect.
Quote | This is spam.
 
 
+1 #24 Finickin 2012-11-29 14:37
Just wanted to chime in and say that this is probably my favorite episode of any podcast ever.
Quote | This is spam.
 
 
+3 #23 Kitty Glitter 2012-05-20 23:02
Yes that was meant to be a reference to A&P, nobody else has ever noticed that before besides you. Or at least nobody ever asked me about that scene. I kind of pictured those three as being the girls from the story and to some degree the whole story was meant to be a parody of A&P and like the awakening the character has, except instead of quitting his job Wesley discovers necrophilia.
Quote | This is spam.
 
 
+3 #22 Isfahan 2012-05-15 18:12
Oh by the way, were the three girls in the Circle-K a reference to John Updike's short story A & P? The one girl being named Queenie seemed like a good giveaway.

If it wasn't a reference to A & P, you should go ahead and tell people that it was.
Quote | This is spam.
 
 
+2 #21 Kitty Glitter 2012-05-09 19:59
I didn't really get too much money in the end. :( But enough considering it was crappy fan fic I just did for fun.
Quote | This is spam.
 
 
+5 #20 Isfahan 2012-04-27 12:27
Hi Kitty Glitter! I'd be lying if I said I don't envy you. Did you have to give back all of your Kindle money or did you manage to turn it all into yachts first?

Can I have one? Even one of the smaller ones would be okay!
Quote | This is spam.
 
 
+11 #19 Kitty Glitter 2012-04-26 16:58
Hey guys thanks so much for doing this! This sequel is free on Kindle right now! If you want a free copy just contact me through my facebook page.
Quote | This is spam.
 
 
+1 #18 Lord of the Hissyfit 2012-04-05 10:24
Fantastic job. This was really well done.
Quote | This is spam.
 
 
0 #17 icarus 2012-04-02 08:18
what is air
Quote | This is spam.
 
 
+4 #16 skub 2012-04-02 01:31
i'm sure it's not but i really wish that it was spelled Beorgi LaBeorg
Quote | This is spam.
 
 
+6 #15 Lé Mon! 2012-03-31 19:12
I don't have the raw audio, but I think "Borgy LaBorg" probably took me 7 takes.
Quote | This is spam.
 
 
+1 #14 Notm 2012-03-31 18:55
Quoting mr3:
It takes a showcase of literary history-making of this magnitude and candor to reveal that, indeed, dead pusseh fucking does sound just like collapsing bloody guts.


It also takes a great amount of will to read the whole story straight, as seen by the amount of laughter in the opening.
Quote | This is spam.
 
 
+1 #13 Isfahan 2012-03-31 16:41
Quoting John Toast:
I couldn't hold it in at the line when Wesley chops off a borg baby's head. Thankfully someone else cracked up before I did so I didn't get the blame.


That's probably what got us through most of it—just that desire not to be the person who ruins the take.
Quote | This is spam.
 
 
+2 #12 mr3 2012-03-31 11:10
It takes a showcase of literary history-making of this magnitude and candor to reveal that, indeed, dead pusseh fucking does sound just like collapsing bloody guts.
Quote | This is spam.
 
 
+1 #11 John Toast 2012-03-31 10:30
Oh wait, in the opening blooper it sounds like I laughed first. OOPS
Quote | This is spam.
 
 
+1 #10 Portaxx 2012-03-31 09:52
I'm going to say I'm pretty certain Lemon's audio is out of sync again, since I swear to god I was never the first one to laugh. I SWEAR IT!!!
Quote | This is spam.
 
 
+2 #9 John Toast 2012-03-31 09:37
I couldn't hold it in at the line when Wesley chops off a borg baby's head. Thankfully someone else cracked up before I did so I didn't get the blame.
Quote | This is spam.
 
 
0 #8 Sex bomb 2012-03-31 08:17
Fuck your chaps.
Quote | This is spam.
 
 
0 #7 Zamza 2012-03-31 04:32
Superb.
Quote | This is spam.
 
 
+2 #6 agentanalogue 2012-03-31 02:18
NOBODY PUTS WESLEY CRUSHER TEENAGE FUCK MACHINE IN A CORNER!
Quote | This is spam.
 
 
+4 #5 skub 2012-03-30 21:16
Quoting Isfahan:
Hey listeners!

Try and guess the parts where we broke down laughing and had to do two or three re-takes!


every part.
Quote | This is spam.
 
 
0 #4 Notm 2012-03-30 19:19
I ain't afraid of no Borgs.

and

any time Wesley Crusher says whatever.

That's my guesses, although the female fat voice definately had me in stiches. You have to love the fact that Wesley is just such an annoying character that consistantly whining throughout this and Meow Solo is obviously the bad guy.

Also Kitteh.
Quote | This is spam.
 
 
+2 #3 Jimmyfranks 2012-03-30 19:08
Where it all began:
regretsy.com/.../...

Supplemental reading:
planetfury.com/.../...
Quote | This is spam.
 
 
0 #2 Locclo 2012-03-30 19:04
What the fuck did I just listen to.
Quote | This is spam.
 
 
+2 #1 Isfahan 2012-03-30 18:54
Hey listeners!

Try and guess the parts where we broke down laughing and had to do two or three re-takes!
Quote | This is spam.
 

Add comment

POST

COMMENTS

For press inquiries and questions about the podcast, e-mail lemon@thefpl.us

[Valid RSS] Creative Commons License

WHO'S THAT?

We have 34 guests online