The Sasquatch (or "Bigfoot", if you're prone to epithets) is a large ape-like creature which typically finds its home in the Pacific Northwest where it somethimes poses for blurry photographs. Also it can read and write. Also it has sixth sense. Also it exists both in our world and in another dimension which has neither shape nor form. Also it lives among The Star People. Also it can teleport. Also it farts a lot. Also it can shape shift. Also it actually exists. Look, the point here is that dolphin expert Joan Ocean has a website which introduced all to the beauty of nature, and now we want to teach others about it. This week, The F Plus starts to apologize for that long hiatus.
There's a number of laws we all understand: Murder is illegal pretty much everywhere, as is theft and assault. We all recognize that, but then there's always gray areas. Does a schoolyard fight count as assault? Is it truly theft is it's not a physical object? And is murder justified if the person you just killed was talking about how funny last week's Big Bang Theory was? Legal experts have a difference of opinion, and as a country ages, laws get more and more complex. The finer points become less clear to the country's citizens, in particular the citzens who are also idiots. This week, The F Plus makes a protein shake with iguana meat.
Growing up is hard. There's plenty of fiction centered around the frustration of adolescence, even more fiction on the malaise of adulthood, and then it's death after that. Wouldn't it be nice to just be a baby forever? Well, no - obviously it wouldn't. None of us remember our time as an infant, but clearly being mute, frail and covered in your own waste cannot be the most intellectually stimulating time of your life. But then, there's those that think that all sounds pretty good, especially if they can have sex while they're at it. This week, The F Plus wonders if adult babies are grosser than Bad Dragon customers.
Celebrity is a powerful but complicated status to keep on yourself. Some achieve by accident, some achieve by will, but then suddenly twenty years have gone by and you realize the ticket sales aren't what they used to be. Take Sinéad O'Connor for example. Responsible for a double platinum album in 1990 and the center of the biggest SNL scandal since John Belushi invited Fear on stage, now we're nearing the end of 2011, and she still wants you to know she's in the mix. This week, The F Plus learns a little something about lurrve.
PIECES READ, IN ORDER
Note: All pieces came from the front page of Sinéad O'Connor's website, so you'll have to scroll down to find the right entry.
20.08.11 IS SINEAD ABOUT TO HUMP HER TRUCK?
24.08.11 Search called off
24.08.11 campaign resumed
28.08.11 Sinead's follow-on piece from last week in todays Irish Sunday Independent. (un-cut version complete with all references to buttfuckery which were inappropriate for publication by a family newspaper)
01.09.11 open letter to Bob Dylan
and tidbits from 16.09.11 Revised advert for boy (man) friend.
Shane MacGowan & Sinead O'Connor - Haunted
The Blockheads w/ Sinead O'Connor - Wake Up And Make Love With Me
Girl Talk - Play Your Part pt. 1 (ft. Sinead O'Connor, T.I, & Too Short)
We've been doing The F Plus podcast for a couple years now, so it's actually kind of an oversight on our part that we've never read stories about Roy Orbison. Or, more specifically, stories about Roy Orbison being completely wrapped up in clingfilm. Honestly, I can't imagine how we've avoided the subject for so long. This week, The F Plus finally experiences the greatest pleasure man has ever known.
So I just now realized that I accidentally uploaded an unfinished workfile of the audio for part 2 instead of the correct file with cleaned audio throughout. Both files start out the same, but by the time bumpgrrl gets on stage things get a little wonky, and by the time Portaxx is listing ways to say I Love You, the audio is definitely A Problem.
Honestly, I'm sure plenty of you noticed this, but maybe you were too polite to say anything, because it wasn't put to my attention until now.
SO, what I need you to do is delete your old file, fplus_live_2b_final.mp3. That's the one that's unkind to your ears, and it was uploaded accidentally. DELETE IT! The new file is called fplus_live_2b_fixedaudio.mp3, and that is up to standard. Also, you can actually hear Portaxx speak, which is sometimes a good thing.
As I said, both files start out the exact same, but there's a real difference in sound quality after Jimmyfranks' reading. Plus, now you have an excuse to listen to this again!
Alright, you lucky people out there, here it finally is: The audio for F Plus Live 2, plus two act break movies to watch. That makes for over three hours of podcastin', so don't never say we ain't done nothing to entertain you. Also, please keep quiet about our use of quadruple negatives. Anyway, let's get to the content here.
Part One of F Plus Live covers a variety of self-help topics, all of them silly and useless. Kumquatxop gives a plethora of fashion and toiletry advice before explaining the hidden beauty of the fistpump. Boots Raingear advises anal constricting and navel denting to repair your immaterial fiber. Jack Chick teaches us that the real secret of voodoo is irritating pop culture references. STOG teaches us to love water and stay off the disappointment frequency, and John wants us all to learn how to bounce our eyes each and every time a sexy lady does something lewd in front of you, like answering the telephone.
TLC - No Scrubs
The Knife - We Share Our Mother's Health
Screamin' Jay Hawkins - I Put A Spell On You
Queens of the Stone Age - The Lost Art of Keeping A Secret
The Velvet Underground - Temptation Inside Your Heart
Before the break, we premiered Portaxx's cartoon "Internet Computer", based on audio taken from an early episode. If you haven't yet watched seen this cartoon, it's high time you fixed that deficiency in your life.
As we came back from the break, Portaxx took a book she found about drawing manga (titled, appropriately enough, Draw Manga), and used the information contained therein to turn everyone in attendance into visual artists. Either that or we mocked the book's creator. You be the judge, I guess.
Part Two of F Plus Live starts out a little dirty, but eventually we wipe up the floor. In Lemon's Craft Corner, our podcast host comes out and teaches you how to make your own sex toys at home. Jimmyfranks teaches everybody the fine art of erotic conversation, before realizing the audience can do a better job themselves. bumpgrrl repeats some key phrases and ideas until people start buying her drinks. Lemon comes back to the stage to handle the works of a prolific author who has reached sexual godhood. Portaxx covers 3 or 4 ways to say I Love You that don't involve food products. Finally, Isfahan teaches you the way to deal with violent attackers that is absolutely guaranteed..so long as the attackers aren't violent.
NOTE: Here's a photo of Dusty White, author of How To Be A Sexual God.
This is the last in our series of shorts for a little while, while we get the F Plus Live audio prepped for public consumption. This is a six minute short originally recorded during episode 42 (The Childfree Hardcore Episode). In the episode, we had read a little piece from a guy named Otakindude, who was angry because he was too fat to be Henry. After reading his tirade, we found his livejournal, which is what we're reading here. What's Otakindude's religion? And how did he discover his vampire powers? You're about to find out!
These are his only two posts on his own livejournal community. If anyone happens to find anything more by otakin_dude, let us know please.
Lemon "Lemon" Lemon-Lemon: Hey, what's that music you used called?
JAZAABOO A. PORTAXX: It's the Play! (yes that's the name of the concert, excalamation point and all) version of Theme of Laura
Lemon "Lemon" Lemon-Lemon: Uh.... okay, thanks.
F Plus Live has been over for 4 days now, but I think a couple of us are still recuperating. Or at least, I know that I'm still recuperating.
Anyway, there is clean audio of the event, which we'll be putting up eventually, but first I wanted to talk about something which was a surprise, not only to the audience, but also to our readers.
Portaxx contacted me a week before the thing and said she wanted to make a real cartoony cartoon to show at F Plus Live. I've known Portaxx long enough to know that she's not the type to make idle "wouldn't it be cool if" chatter, but I was skeptical that she'd actually be able to put a cartoon together before the thing. And it turned out that she could.
The cartoon embedded below debuted to a stunned and live audience on Friday, September 30th at about midnight. I'm sure nobody was expecting it.