F Plus Criminal All-Stars

First in a series.

Left to Right: JimL2, Boots Raingear, Lemon, Keytar Solo, Frank West

From APB


Episode 49: Reno Iz Drest In A Kostoom

READERS: Acierocolotl, Boots Raingear, Isfahan, Kumquatxop, Jack Chick, Portaxx, and and Lemon. GUEST READER: Zarla Sheenaza

Recorded by Boots Raingear, edited by Portaxx.

Poorly constructed news reports and badly writen books will often speak about the "digital lives" that the anonymity of the internet afford us all. In the world of a MUCK (or multi-user chat kingdom), players can create an artificial personality and then use it to have artificial sex with other artificial personalities. And if that already sounds gross, it's gonna get worse when you're dealiing with people who have no idea how the female body works. This week, the F Plus finds new uses for the heart shaped box.

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NOTE: We found all these profiles at a site called When Online RPGs Attack, but rather than link you directly to the threads we found them in, we put together this handy readalong document! This document contains the text for all the pieces we read, plus Portaxx did a bunch of sketches about the characters featured, which have been lovingly pasted inside the document so it looks like a teenager's notebook.

Music Used:
  • Can Be Real by Vision F

Want to download Portaxx's drawings for this episode?

Last Updated on Sunday, 17 February 2013 17:30

Episode 48: Weighted Companion Dudes

READERS: Jack Chick, Boots Raingear, Nutshell Gulag, Jimmyfranks, Bunnybread, John and Lemon. GUEST READER: Lou Fernandez

Recorded and edited by Boots Raingear.

Nearly 50 episodes in, and it's time for The F Plus' first crossover. Lou Fernandez (of the Lou Reads podcast) is no stranger to terrible writing on the internet, but how will he respond when he's stuck in a room full of F Plus readers? Moreover, how will the F Plus readers respond to reading the okCupid profiles of the internet's most irritating nerds? The results shouldn't surprise you! This week, The F Plus looks at people who cannot possibly have sexually transmitted diseases.

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  1. Blair Hippo
  2. BlutFatal
  3. FoxSazer
  4. darkwolfe23
  5. GoDz-sOn
  6. mc8bit
  7. BVegas1982
  8. code-cat
  9. DrJalapeno
  10. Mysteriousmark4
  11. wisdomrider
Music Used:
  • Al Green - I'm So Tired Of Being Alone
  • Harry Nilsson - One
  • REM - Romance



I do unironically love okTrends, which is an infrequently updated blog put out by some of the OKcupid code analysts. I'd particularly recommend The Real Stuff White People Like, Gay Sex vs. Straight Sex and The Best Questions For A First Date. It's mathematically-based sociology, and it's got a healthy amount of snark as well.

Last Updated on Friday, 03 February 2012 10:46

Episode 47: In The World of Dragon Dildos, Is The Chin-Wattle Man King?

READERS: Boots Raingear, John, Acierocolotl, Kumquatxop, STOG, Portaxx, Victor Laszlo, and Lemon.

Recorded by Boots Raingear, Edited by STOG

I'd like you all to think back to the time that you were at an adult video store browsing the various "marital aids" that the store had available. Don't be shy to admit it, we're all friends here! Now... you remember looking at some of the more ridiculous products and giggling with your significant other over the thought of "Who would actually buy this thing?" This episode is like that, but way worse. We're focusing on the community of Bad Dragon, an online retailer of sex toys accurately modeled after the genitals of creatures that don't actually exist. This week, The F Plus visits the astral plane and gets busted by vice cops.

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CAUTION: Horrible product photos and brain-melting anime porn will be visible at most of these links.

  1. Product Description: The Anthro Dragoness
  2. Product Description: The Tentacle
  3. Product Description: Virgil The Drippy Dragon
  4. Product Review: Drippy Dragon~Medium~ 5 firmness~black by smexbunneh
  5. Story Review: Anthro Dragoness by Ridley Frostfang
  6. RP Anyone? by Moonlight Vamp
  7. Cum Lube Gallon Kits by Varka (the Bad Dragon founder)
  8. Dildo Soup by ThreeFingers
  9. Worst thing ever! by Pendragon ICE
  10. What would happen if.....? by ReptileArmy, Timbe, tl1ksdragon, Persian, popo, Willow, SyncMaster and Shaminar
  11. OOPS, Stuck by Willer, Quail, Torakazu, Sindorei and Ruffe Husky
Music Used:
  • Enter The Dragon Theme
  • Sisqo - Unleash The Dragon
  • Peter, Paul and Mary - Puff The Magic Dragon


Last Updated on Saturday, 14 May 2011 19:49

Episode 46: A Man Short On Charm

READERS: Boots Raingear, Bunnybread, Isfahan, Jack Chick, John, Portaxx Squiddy McEnnui and Lemon.

Recorded by Boots Raingear, Edited by Lemon

The PUA (pick up artist) Community is filled with self identified experts on bedding women, all jockeying for prominence and trying to sell basically the same book. How does one peacock his way to notoriety and celebrity status to be identified as an alpha-PUA? Well, if you're tonight's subject (a man named Roosh V), you do it by spending most of your time banging away at your blog, and trying to find the best font for the "I HATE WOMEN" sign that you hang over your head. This week, The F Plus congratulates American women for making this guy leave the country.

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  1. The Relationship Between Femininity & Education
  2. Treating Girls Like A Dick
  3. Never Tell A Girl You've Been In Love Before
  4. Why Mediocre Women Desire Hot Men (plus some reader comments)
  5. Turning Potential Insults Into Game
  6. How To Tell A Girl What You Do
  7. Are You A Real Man?
Music Used:
  • Ben Folds Five - Bitches Ain't Shit (Cover)
  • Cracker - It Ain't Gonna Suck Itself
  • Dead Boys - What Love Is
  • Tullycraft - Mental Obsession
  • Queen - Play The Game
  • The Suburbs - Crazy Job
  • Tiara Nicole - Real Man
  • The Cramps - All Women Are Bad
  • A.C. - I Respect Your Feelings As A Woman

  • (man I use a lot of songs in my edits)


  • As of this posting, Roosh's most current post is called Feminism Killed The Nice Guy. See, while Roosh agrees with some aspects of feminism, he notes "As long as women retain suffrage, our politicians will continue to appease them for votes by refusing to scale back anti-man laws." Thanks a lot, Nineteenth Amendment.
  • Roosh's guide on rating girls. A mathematician would assume that on a 1-10 scale, the number 5 would be average. For Roosh, 5 means "Studying her movements wouldn’t get your dick hard. You’d have to at least make eye contact with her taint to get the penis blood flowing."
  • This post, quite simply, is titled Never Listen To A Woman.
Last Updated on Friday, 03 February 2012 10:57

Episode 45: It's Only Supernatural

Readers: Boots Raingear, Bumpgrrl, Bunnybread, Jack Chick, John, Portaxx and Lemon

Recorded by Boots Raingear, Edited by John

Ew. Quit it. Ew. Quit it.

For those unfamiliar with it, Supernatural is a television show about two hunky guys who fight monsters. Pulling from The CW's demographic of sexually frustrated young women with disposable income, it's a show with a fan base of a surprising number of pervy women who want to see the two hunky guys do it with each other. You'd think these women would be deterred by the fact that the hunky guys are actually brothers, but apparently that makes it better. This week, The F Plus looks at Wincesters until we reach for our Winchesters.

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  1. Definition: Wincest at the Supernatural Wiki
  2. Selections from The Supernatural Story Finder Livejournal
  3. Selections from The Supernatural Kink Meme Livejournal
  4. Selections from various Supernatural fanfics
If, for some reason, you don't want to spend a few hours scouring the livejournal communities for the correct reference to gay incest, here's a readalong document with only the content we read.
    Music Used:
    • Virginia Tingley - The Ballad of Jensen and Jared
    • Olivia Chrestomanci - Fight Them Hellhounds, Dean
    • (both acquired from the list of original fan songs.)


    The Ackles Ass Equation

    I said yesterday that I would figure out the equation to Jensen Ackles' ass (hereby referred to as THE ACKLES ASS EQUATION), and now I've got it! I thought about explaining how I derived this equation, but figured not enough of you care to follow, so I won't waste anyone's time (but if you want me to explain it to you, feel free to ask).

    Above is a lovvvely picture of Jensen Ackles' BEAUTIFUL spinal column with a grid super-imposed atop it and a red line marking the curve of his spinal column. *TOUCH*

    SO HOT.

    And here's the equation to create such a curve:


Last Updated on Friday, 03 February 2012 10:59

F Plus Stickers: Batch One

The stickers are here! The stickers are here!

The mailman knocked on the door today and delivered me a package. 200 waterproof full color 2"x2" stickers printing on soft vinyl, featuring a chocolate eating monster that Portaxx drew. I love these stickers very much, and I think you might love them too.

If you agree that might be the case, I am happy to provide them for you. What I need you to do is send an e-mail to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it , and I'll fill you in on the process of how to get your hands on these (hint: It requires writing an address down on a piece of paper).

Oh! And if you were one of those thoughtful people who wrote a $Bill style review to iTunes or the like, please do let me know, so I can give you an extra little bit of love.

Sound good? Good! Then let's go through this batch o' stickers, so we can print another batch!

Last Updated on Friday, 22 April 2011 17:05

Episode 44: How To Listen To A Podcast

Readers: Boots Raingear, Bumpgrrl, Bunnybread, Jack Chick, Victor Laszlo, John, Jimmyfranks and Lemon

Recorded & Edited by Boots Raingear

Hello I am a podcast. STEPS

Find a podcast. There are quite a lot of podcasts on the internet. Try to find one. Listen to the one you want to listen to. If you like The F Plus podcast, you should listen to the F Plus Podcast.

Listen to the podcast. Using a program that allows you to listen to a podcast, listen to a podcast. Try to listen to the podcast with your ears, and try to enjoy listening to the podcast that you're listening to.

Quote the podcast incessantly. When talking with your friends, try to shout out certain catchphrases from the podcast. If the people around you also listen to the podcast, you can quote the podcast to each other over and over again, hopefully infuriating the one person who hasn't listened to the podcast as well.

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No. Not that.


  1. How To Stop Being Racist
  2. How To Stop Staring At A Girl's Boobs
  3. How To Be A Wizard
  4. How To Get Your Husband To Stop Looking At Porn
  5. How To Be A Punk
  6. How To Live In A Haunted House
  7. How To Deal With Girls Calling You A Slut
  8. How To Remove A Tattoo At Home With Salt
  9. And then a whole bunch of titles of other HowTo guides available on WikiHow.
    Music Used:
    • Buddy Holly - Tell Me How
    • TMBG - Your Racist Friend
    • Sugar - I Can't Help You Anymore
    • Jane's Addiction - Thank You Boys


    • You know what? All you really need is this link right here. That is the Random Article link on WikiHow (found near the top-right section of each page). You might not find that link will give you something wonderful every time, but it will give you something wonderful at least every third time.
Last Updated on Friday, 03 February 2012 11:05

F Plus PLUS: More Hans, More Shakespeare

Let's be honest here, sometimes when stuff gets cut from a podcast, there's a damn good reason for it. But then other times, we've got leftovers which we just can't keep to ourselves. To that end, here's three more bits from Hans Von Hozel and Shakespeare Hemmingway, possibly even crazier than the stuff that ended up in episode 43.

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First up, another offering from ShakespeareHemmingway, and yes, it is about Garfield. But it's also about Charlie Sheen. And it's an an insightful political look at the acceptable limits of persuasion, as well as a commentary on the meaninglessness of pop culture. Also there are talking jets.

NARRATOR: Boots Raingear, GARFIELD: Stog, CHARLIE SHEEN: Lemon, JON ARBUCKLE: John, BARACK OBAMA: Portaxx, A PLANE: Nutshell Gulag


Then, another one by ShakespeareHemmingway, but this one doesn't feature Garfield at all! Instead, this is a psychosexual drama about the cast of Saved By The Bell, where the real enemy is death itself! Here, ShakespeareHemmingway pontificates on philosophical concepts that John-Paul Sartre was too terrified to write about.

NARRATOR: Portaxx, SCREECH POWERS: Stog, LISA TURTLE: Ophelia Flame, ZACH MORRIS: Acierocolotl, AC SLATER: Boots Raingear, PRINCIPLE BELDING: Lemon


And finally, one more offering from Hans Von Hozel. This one is about the Beatles and their well-publicized feud with ABBA, playfully modernized (as Patrick Stewart did with MacBeth) to a modern age. Commentary here concerns digital rights ownership and the true value of an artistic work. All this, and his work is more concise than my summary of it.

READ BY: Nutshell Gulag

Thanks, Sliggy.

Last Updated on Tuesday, 12 April 2011 17:31

Episode 43: My Fanfics Are Full of Emotion!

Readers: Acierocolotl, Boots Raingear, STOG, John, Nutshell Gulag, Portaxx, and Lemon. Guest Reader: Ophelia Flame

Recorded by Boots Raingear, edited by STOG.

This is the internet, and there are nerdy teenagers on it. As such, there are a lot of people writing a lot of fanfiction about their favorite television shows. Having a podcast with an interest in such things means you have to be discerning, and seek out the fanfiction authors with a certain je ne sais quoi, a mixture of verve and enthusiasm for the written word that causes you to rethink everything you've been taught. Or maybe it's just terrible prose. This week on the F Plus, we're learning Danube ain't just a river in Germany.

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Editors' notes: The audio in this is definitely not the best we've ever had, but we've cleaned it as much as we could. An active member of the cf_hardcore community


  1. Hans Von Hozel's Reader Bio
  2. Twilight "Twilight vampires!" by Hans Von Hozel
  3. Russia Day "Russia absorbs all the countries!" by Hans Von Hozel
  4. Glee "The Glee Club try to make a singing Concert, but the crowd do not like!" by Hans Von Hozel
  5. Wallflower "A Flower makes a grow from its Wall!" by Hans Von Hozel
  6. Centipede Crufts Ok so I saw a horrible scary movie call 'The Human Centipede' and is was horrible but I make this version where it is not so scary and of the happy ending! : by Hans Von Hozel
  7. Quantum of Solace James Bond creates his spying by Hans Von Hozel
  8. ShakespeareHemmingway's Bio
  9. Garfield: First Blood Part II: Forever Fist Garfield battles Ashton Kutcher over fate of the soul of Natalie Portman! by ShakespeareHemmingway
    Music Used:
    • Anamanaguchi - Blackout City
    • Franzl Lang - Einen Jodler hör i gern
    • Dio - Rainbow in the Dark


    • Firstly, just look at Hans Von Hozel's list of stories. As of this writing, he's up to 248 stories and they're pretty much all amazing. The ladies out there might be interested in his take on Downton Abbey.
    • Secondly and more importantly, while waiting for this episode to go online, Portaxx simply could not get the idea of ass-kicking Garfield out of her head. And so, as a gift to you, she's made these Garfield Wallpapers available to the F+ans out there. At this point, I'd explain how to set these images as your wallpaper, but let's be honest here: If you don't know how to do that, you're probably not listening to this podcast.

      widescreen alt 1600x9001280x7201024x576


    We still have two more stories by Shakespeare Hemmingway. One is about Charlie Sheen, the other one is about Dustin Diamond. If you'd like us to put those online as well, please let us know in the comments.

Last Updated on Thursday, 05 May 2011 12:12

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