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Episode 32: Excessive, Overwraught and Annoying

Readers: Acierocolotl, Portaxx, Boots Raingear, Stog, Floss Man, Jack Chick, John, Kumquatxop, Isfahan, and Lemon

Pitchfork Media, often referred to as either "tastemakers" or "douchenozzles", depending on the source, have done the impossible: They have built a successful business, relying almost entirely on indulgent record reviews. And inarguably, the man responsible for the most eye-meltingly pompous reviews has been the focus of tonite's episode: Brent DiCrescenzo. This is a man who was actually dismissed from Pitchfork for the content of his record reviews, a man who wrote a Beastie Boys record review that Pitchfork actually had to print a retraction for. Clearly, he is F Plus material.

Brent DiCrescenzo: Smug for no reason

Content Read:

  1. Red Hot Chili Peppers: Californication A review by Brent DiCrescenzo
  2. At The Drive-In: Relationship of Command A review by Mark Richard-San & Ryan Schreiber
  3. Air: Moon Safari A review by Brent DiCrescenzo
  4. Texas: The Hush A review by Brent DiCrescenzo
  5. Sigur Rós: Ágætis Byrjun A review by Brent DiCrescenzo
  6. Big Boi + Pavement at Pitchfork Music Festival A live review by Brent DiCrescenzo
  7. Wax Trax! Records co-founder Dannie Flesher dies A tasteful obituary by Brent DiCrescenzo
  8. Romancing the Doob A musical prospectus by Brent DiCrescenzo
Last Updated on Friday, 14 January 2011 15:29
 

Rap Disasters: Caught On Video

Hey there. It's Lemon, and I've got a little bit of non-podcast ridiculism for you. Obviously, this website is mainly for the podcast of us reading awful shit, but every once in a while, I stumble across something that wouldn't work in podcast form. And, since I'm not currently a writer for any "INTERNET WACKYZONE" websites, I just need to post this here.

October 5th saw the release of a game called Def Jam Rapstar. The concept isn't exactly innovative nor extraordinary - it's one of those karaoke games like SingStar or Lips, except it's entirely rap music which Russell Simmons has decided to to be worthwhile. To be honest, I was interested in trying it just because Rock Band doesn't have Public Enemy's "Can't Truss It", but I knew that Russell Simmons would force me to do a Soulja Boy song first, and that is not acceptable.

But as I was looking into the game, I found out that they added a feature which, for reasons beyond my understanding, no other karaoke game has implemented yet. See, while you are playing Def Jam Rapstar, you can set your game to record video of your performance. What's more, with a few button presses, you can actually upload your video to the Def Jam Rapstar website for people like me to watch!

So, after literally hours of perusing what the performers of Def Jam Rapstar had to offer, I'd like to present to you the best of my findings.

Kasper 187 (and his baby)Subject #1: 187 Kaspa

187 Kaspa is the most prolific Rapstar I've seen thus far. While I originally liked him just for the duality of being named "murda ghost" while holding an infant, over the month he's treated Def Jam Rapstar more and more seriously. He's written a number of his own raps, mostly about Jesus, and has used the game as a platform for ther distribution. Here's my favorite Jesus rap, but if you really want to stare at white people without shame, you'll want to hear his song "It'z Murda". Yikes.

Steveish has a problem with words

Subject #2: Steveish

The rap game, as I'm sure has been said before, is a difficult one. Presumably it's difficult because of the competitiveness, and because of the difficulties with the commercialisation of the form, but mainly, it's difficult because there are so many words! Here's the thing about Steveish - he's a busy guy. And sure, he wants to sing "Nuthin' But A G Thang", but with the amount of words that are in that song, well, you're going to have to accept "close enough". Back to the lature at ham, profession is profession so I letter understam.

Bennett Black builds tension

Subject #3: Bennett Black

The first person I showed this video to was Bunnybread, and he immediately asked "Can it get any better than the preload image?" Indeed it can. See, Bennett Black is a showman. It starts out with a shirtless man posing and his wife picking his nose, and then the drama builds from there. What will actually happen when the rapping starts? It's up to you to find out!

localcelebrity brings his own hoes

Subject #4: localcelebrity

Although, let's be honest with ourselves, localcelebrity (the guy with the sunglasses) is not the star of this video. Like so many of these videos, it's about the women. localcelebrity decided to throw a Rapstar party, and he brought his own video ho's with. For those of you who might be breaking into the rap game, make sure your rap video hoes wear blue sweatpants. It's such a good look. But wait! There's more! Later on in the night, localcelebrity got his Romanian (best guess) mother in on the action. And if you really want to get a closer look at sweatpants woman's pantyline, here you go.

emcbura's girlfriend clearly hates him

Subject #5: emcbura

In all the people I've found, I believe emcbura might be the biggest douchebag. And while this is something of an achievement in itself, it's secondary to his more coveted prize: Rapstar's most disinterested girlfriend. In the video linked to the left, emcbura's girlfriend is disinterested in his Ice Cube remix. In this one, emcbura's girlfriend hates his Salt N Pepa rendition. And in this one, emcbura's girlfriend could not care less about his Method Man performance. Try as he might, she just keeps her focus on her computer, presumably making a Facebook update about how she needs to dump her boyfriend.

whitestar will haunt your dreams

Subject #6: whitestar

F Plus fans, I have a very important question for you: Have you ever been raped? More importantly, have you ever been Raped by Moby while Nelly's "Hot In Here" was playing in the background? For those of you unlucky enough to answer no, whitestar is here to demonstrate exactly what that experience would feel like. Moreover, you know how kidnappers have their captives make "proof of life" videos for the family paying the ransom? I feel like this video is one of them.

julio1019 is probably on too many medications

Subject #7: JULIO1019

And while I've got you doing thought experiments, I'd like you to consider this. Ludacris is a very successful rapper. I'm sure this success is mainly because of his guest vocals on Justin Bieber's "Baby" with lyrics like "She had me goin crazy, oh I was starstruck. She woke me up daily, don't need no Starbucks." But we also have to assume his success comes from his "high energy performance" that music writers like to talk about. But what, I question you, would happen if Ludacris was on a shitload of antidepressants? JULIO1019 has the answer.

kitty and pink-xl have got mad flow, y'all

Subject #8: KITTY AND PINK XL.COM

The last people I want to present to you here are KITTY AND PINK XL.COM. I'm not sure which one is which, nor am I entirely sure of the genders of either. What I do know is that even though there is a .com at the end of their name, I can't find any domain fitting with their group name. This is a terrible shame, because this duo is "OFF THE CHAIN". And if you don't believe me, watch the video for 25 seconds. See? Off the chain. Proof positive. This duo actually has two videos, although the second time they are called KITTYKAT AND PINK. Amazingly their second video is actually more hilarious.

OH GOD, THERE'S MORE...

XxDJGINGY97Xx   itsjustbw   uzzimo   Mizzie_Fizzie
XxDJGINGY97Xx has a bouncy ball   itsjustbw is the world's hardest gangsta   uzzimo explores his gay feelings   mizzie fizzie has great pants
A rapper's weapons: a mic and a bouncy ball   The world's hardest rapper: He's a pepper too.   Further proof that Keystone light leads to homosexual experimentation.   This one is mainly here for the pants.

As of this posting, there are 3269 Rapstar videos in The Video Archive. If you're feeling brave, start clicking. And feel free to leave a comment with any gold you might dig up.

Last Updated on Thursday, 21 October 2010 20:32
 

F Plus Live

Readers: Bunnybread, Lemon, Boots Raingear, Portaxx, bumpgrrl, Stog, John, Jack Chick, and Jimmyfranks

A City Pages Certified A-List Event! For the recording of the Live event, we've split it into two parts. You should probably listen to them in order. Reading list below.

download part one download part two

Content Read:

Story Time with Jack Chick

PART ONE

  1. Kendra Wilkinson's Sliding Into Home
    Read by Bunnybread
  2. Jennifer Love Hewitt's The Day I Shot Cupid: Hello, My Name Is Jennifer Love Hewitt and I'm a Love-aholic
    Read by Lemon
  3. Ice T's The Ice Opinion: Who Gives A Fuck?
    Read by Boots Raingear
  4. Paris Hilton's Confessions of an Heiress: A Tongue-In-Chic Peek Behind The Pose
    Read by Portaxx
  5. Macaulay Culkin's Junior or Oscar De La Mancha, The Wambling Warrior, and the People I Like The Least. A Novel Not A Novel. A Written Project From The Normal, Well Adjusted, And "No I Don't Have Issues With My Father" Mind of Macaulay Culkin Junior (Meaning Me)
    Read by Bumpgrrl

PART TWO

Stog's cakewreck
  1. Dustin Diamond's Behind The Bell
    Read by Stog
  2. Kirk Cameron and Ray Comfort's The Way of the Master
    Read by John
  3. Fabio's Wild
    Read by Jack Chick
  4. Mr. T's Mr. T: The Man With the Gold : An Autobiography of Mr. T
    Read by Jimmyfranks
  5. Andy Rooney's 60 Years of Wisdom And Wit
    Read by Lemon

Thanks to:

  • Jessica Armbruster at the City Pages for giving us our lovely write-up.
  • Al McCarty and everyone else at The Blue Nile for hosting the event.
  • The lovely and talented people at Cake Eater Bakery for their Cakewreck enthusiasm.
  • Our loyal fan Christian, for his promotional efforts.
  • All of you who managed to make it down to the Nile, and all of you who have been listening to the podcast enough to make us think this was a good idea
  • And from me (Lemon), a big thanks to all the readers (and Sanny and Victor), who spent no small amount of money to come to Minneapolis and trusted that I'd show them a good time. I hope I made it worth it.
Last Updated on Tuesday, 19 October 2010 16:42
 

Episode 31: The Antisocial Network

Readers: Portaxx, Acierocolotl, Boots Raingear, Bunnybread, Stog, John, Jack Chick, Kumquatxop, Isfahan and Lemon

With an registered userbase of over 500 million, Facebook has not been hindered much by niggling security concerns. Enter YourOpenBook. A site which, like Google, searches through all public profiles for people talking about the pressing news of the day, like their uninformed political opinions or details of who is cheating on them now. This week, The F Plus will make you doublecheck your security settings.

Jeremy Hadden why the fuck would the build a mosk in the 911 site, that is so fucken disrespectful, when ever that thing is done hopefully some one blows it up

Content Read:

  1. The girlfriend saga of Michael Lancer Sommers
    SINCE THE RECORDING Michael Lancer Summers has either deleted his account or changed his security settings so he's not public anymore. Either way, good job buddy!
    UPDATE: Portaxx was smart enough to keep a couple photos of Michael, so we can all remember his time with us. Here is is shrouded in his favorite fashion accessory. And here he is 2gether4eva with his Kay-Bear. I forget how long "4eva" is.

  2. The Baby Mama saga of Killathump Wikid Ninjaclown (Thumper).
    SINCE THE RECORDING, Killathump is in a "It's Complicated" with Brianna, the baby has been born, and they've named it Mari Jain.
    TEST RESULTS CAME BAK POSITIVE SHES MINE...... I LOVE YOU MARI JAIN WILLETT
    Taking her handicaps into consideration, all of us at The F Plus sincerely hope that Mari Jain has a very long, rich and full life consisting of reading books, dressing reasonably and having her name legally changed to something else. Make us proud, baby!
  3. All of our "Mosk" commentators have been screenshotted and compiled in this Google Doc file. You're welcome.
  4. The selection of "Wether" has been similarly compiled for you. Look over here.
    BONUS CONTENT: That gDoc also has two results for "chemtrails", a subject for a future episode. Guaranteed.
  5. Then it was selected results from an OpenBook search for "cheating on me". We forgot the save the results for posterity, so let's see what you get!
  6. Same as above for "evolutionism".
Last Updated on Wednesday, 13 October 2010 14:41
 

Episode 30: No Sense Of Decency

Readers: Acierocolotl, Portaxx, Boots Raingear, Bunnybread, Stog, Kumquatxop, and Lemon

With a two-party system, and an entrenched media bias favoring the status quo, often it is difficult for less established candidates to have their views heard. As a duty to the country more than half of call home, The F Plus attempts to correct this oversight, and reads the words as written by three overlooked candidates for political office: A fundamentalist libertarian, a man with his own religion, and Basil Marceaux: A man who, even by F Plus standards, is completely unclassifiable. This week, we go way beyond the beltway, and start to wish more people used soap.

Basil Marceaux Dot Com

Content Read:

  1. Selections from BasilMarceux.Com
  2. Selections from Kevin Craig For Congress @ Blogspot
  3. SIDE NOTE: Kevin Craig also has another site that's even uglier and harder to read.

  4. Selections from John Charles Wilson Dot Name

Music Used:

  • Ren And Stimpy Production Music
  • Whatever it was Jimmyfranks had on his hard drive for his thing.


We had to chop out a lot of crazy to get this thing close to an hour. If you haven't had enough Basil Marceaux or John Charles Wilson, let us know.

Last Updated on Tuesday, 21 September 2010 20:47
 

HELP US WITH STICKER DESIGNS

We're going to be printing up a batch of F Plus stickers in the near future, but none of us have had much success coming up with a design idea yet. So we're going to try to see if we can put your collective brains to good use.

What we don't want is a sticker that just has the F+ logo and "Terrible things read with enthusiasm." What we'd really like instead is an image (and possibly some corresponding text) which is more confusing, relating in some tangential way to the podcast (perhaps using a trope like "well known food place" or "only tuna from can please"), with some space for the URL.

If you feel like actually designing the fucker yourself, that's fine, but not necessary. What we're mainly looking for is ideas1.

Please leave whatever ideas you have either as a comment here, or as a comment on the corresponding Facebook thread. If we end up using your design, we'll make sure to mail you a bunch of the newly minted stickers for you to vandalize whatever surface you feel most appropriate.

So let's see what you got!

1: Well, that and an excuse to make Portaxx draw something else for us

Last Updated on Sunday, 19 September 2010 18:01
 

THE BONANZA OF SHORTS!!!!

Readers: Acierocolotl, Isfahan, Squiddy McEnnui, bumpgrrl, Portaxx, Boots Raingear, Stog, John, Jack Chick, Kumquatxop and Lemon

As a way to apologize for our sudden and unexpected gap in giving new episodes to you, we've put together these FIVE pieces of new content. The first three are from reading YouTube comments, the fourth one is about aliens, and the fifth one is about one very crazy man's battle with Advil. I know you want to know more, so let's get to it.

Gucci Mane Race War
This six minute short explores the curious case of a race war breaking out on YouTube just from people watching the video for Gucci Mane's song Lemonade.

Here Come The Metalheads
This fourteen minute episode has our ridiculists taking on the YouTube comments comments for a video of Metallica's Enter Sandman. We explore the idea of what corporate rock does for our society and our language. Also we laugh at nimrods.

Let's Settle This Religion Thing
In nearly 20 minutes, we're going to try to solve the question of whether or not God exists. I mean, sure, philosophers, scholars and theologians have been debating this very topic for centuries, but that was before YouTube existed. Now, this whole thing will be a snap.

My Grey Baby
A piece of episode 15 that unfortunately had been ignored until now. This woman thinks she has been impregnated by a grey. Is she right? Yeah, probably.

Sybil At The Movies
There's plenty of sites all over the internet that can give you one man's opinion on a certain book or film. But in this thirty minute episode, we're going to read the opinions of a man who is not in control of his mental faculties, and ends up writing strange essays instead. Madness is inside this podcast, and it might be contageous.

Last Updated on Friday, 10 September 2010 20:05
 

Over 10,000 downloads this week.

Hey guys.

I was just checking the stats for the RSS feed, and ended up looking at this number, which made me very happy. Seems a lot of people have been subscribed to the podcast and not visiting the site regularly (as the MP3 downloads far exceeds the thefpl.us traffic), but that doesn't really matter. The point is that more people have been listening, and it's due in no small part to people like you telling your friends and fellow horrible fanfic writers about this little thing we call mockery.

So, thank you. Well and truly, thank you. And as long as you keep listening, we'll keep doing this thing1.
1: Unless we get bored of it.

Last Updated on Saturday, 14 August 2010 20:01
 

Episode 29: The Netflix Revue

Readers: Acierocolotl, Portaxx, Boots Raingear, Stog, John, Jack Chick, Kumquatxop and Lemon

With six million registered members, Netflix has become a dominant force in the entertainment industry. In fact, the recommendations given to you each time you sign in to the Netflix home page is crafted that way by what Netflix considers to be your peers - faceless people who have some sort of opinion about the movie in question. This episode, we plan to find the next Harry Knowles... and then mock him for being fat and stupid.

Content Read:
Note: You'll need a Netflix account to view these reviews

  1. SI 451395's Burn After Reading and Planet 51 reviews
  2. SI 451395's Jeff Dunham: Spark of Insanity review
  3. more Jeff Dunham: Spark of Insanity reviews
  4. Selected Phone Booth review
  5. Selected G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra reviews
  6. A whole bunch of movie reviews from $Bill, who is fucking amazing and must be recognized
  7. Another two from G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

Music Used:


And I'm still totally serious about figuring out some sort of prize for people that write Netflix style reviews for this episode.

Last Updated on Tuesday, 10 August 2010 19:09
 

Episode 28: But What If They're All Crappie?

Readers: Portaxx, Boots Raingear, Bunnybread, John, Jack Chick, Isfahan, Stog and Lemon

If spending sixteen hours a day on the internet is the reason why you can't get a date, you can solve your problem by stepping away from the computer every once in a while and having a real, human, engaging conversation with someone you find attractive and personable. But of course, you're not going to do that, and that's why dating sites exist. This week, the F Plus puts on those floppy hats and goes angling in PlentyOfFish.Com, the fact that it doesn't charge means we don't have to pay to make fun of it.

Content Read:

  1. Need some advice... re: blowjobs
  2. My buddies sister on POF...
  3. CountIbli's PoF Profile
  4. GangstaBoo918's PoF Profile
  5. "I dnt think I can continue seeing u"?
  6. Regaining her trust
  7. Why Women Want Assholes And Not Nice Guys???
  8. Please help me win back gf and daughter
  9. Testimony, why did you become a Christian?

Music Used:

Rejected Episode Titles

Last Updated on Thursday, 29 July 2010 16:16
 


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