Last Updated on Saturday, 12 February 2011 17:15
A Note: I recognize that, as far as F Plus content, an op-ed piece about telecommunications is hardly appropriate. However, what lies below serves as two things. Firstly, it's an explanation of why you've been cheated out of updates for months, and secondly, it's something that I feel this is relevant. If you don't want to read this, I understand completely. However, if you'd prefer to record yourself reading this in a mocking tone, I'll totally accept it.Leave the MP3 in the comments section.
The F Plus site stayed stagnant for months, due in a certain part to scheduling and content problems, but mainly because my internet was terrible. It was all fits and starts, and with an upstream that meant about a dozen timeouts before I was able to successfully upload a jpeg. It was a frustrating experience, but the real kick in the teeth was that I was simply unable to record any podcasts with everyone else. My internet was turning my already somewhat unpleasant voice into a hybrid of Taio Cruz, McDonald's Drive-in, and silence.
In my location, like most locations throughout the United States, you have essentially two options for internet: You can go with The Cable Company or you can go with The Phone Company. Either way, you’re likely to find yourself signing up for a service with some very attractive introductory rate and then receiving near monthly “because we feel like it” rate increases. This is pretty much how the world operates when dominant service providers aren’t hampered by regulations.
I thought I’d be smart about this and I’d go with the third option: USI Wireless. Internet provided by a company with an infrastructure paid for by the City of Minneapolis. A high-profile “making our city better” initiative that we could all feel good about. Except for the fact that the actual service is terrible.
But my point here isn’t to whine about USI’s service, it’s about the failing in an infrastructure which is very important to a lot of this. The internet has changed a lot in the fifteen or so years since I started visiting Portal of Evil to see the Geocities pages created by freaks and basement dwellers, and plenty of good and real things have been said about the freedom of the internet. I’d list examples here, but you’re already familar - there’s thousands of sites, applications, and services which use the power of the internet to benefit the lives of others, and for free.
But first, we have a barrier to entry which is undemocratic and counterproductive. Comcast (my new ISP) had their merger with NBC approved by the FCC, thereby becoming an even more dominant media empire and still having very little reason to follow any principles of net neutrality.
In his State of the Union address on Wednesday, Barack Obama spoke of the importance of internet access to a nations development, and then decreed that “we will make it possible for business to deploy the next generation of high-speed wireless coverage to 98% of all Americans" which is a lovely (though non-specific) thing to say. Thing is, we’ve taken very few steps to make this a reality. Minneapolis WiFi, as awful as it currently is, at least exists. Which is more than you can say for it’s predecessor, San Francisco Municipal Wireless. If a city that’s a two hour drive from Google HQ can’t manage its own wireless network, that doesn’t bode well for those of you living in Des Moines.
For all the great and all the horrible things that the internet brings to my life on a daily basis, I celebrate it. I love it even with its faults and I respect it for offering a solution to so many problems. And the next stage of our evolution doesn’t happen until all of us; the scientists, the weirdos, the artists and the losers; all of us are allowed to succeed or fail on our own merits.
Last Updated on Friday, 14 January 2011 15:29
Readers: Acierocolotl, Portaxx, Boots Raingear, Stog, Floss Man, Jack Chick, John, Kumquatxop, Isfahan, and Lemon
Pitchfork Media, often referred to as either "tastemakers" or "douchenozzles", depending on the source, have done the impossible: They have built a successful business, relying almost entirely on indulgent record reviews. And inarguably, the man responsible for the most eye-meltingly pompous reviews has been the focus of tonite's episode: Brent DiCrescenzo. This is a man who was actually dismissed from Pitchfork for the content of his record reviews, a man who wrote a Beastie Boys record review that Pitchfork actually had to print a retraction for. Clearly, he is F Plus material.
Red Hot Chili Peppers: Californication A review by Brent DiCrescenzo
At The Drive-In: Relationship of Command A review by Mark Richard-San & Ryan Schreiber
Air: Moon Safari A review by Brent DiCrescenzo
Texas: The Hush A review by Brent DiCrescenzo
Sigur Rós: Ágætis Byrjun A review by Brent DiCrescenzo
Big Boi + Pavement at Pitchfork Music Festival A live review by Brent DiCrescenzo
Wax Trax! Records co-founder Dannie Flesher dies A tasteful obituary by Brent DiCrescenzo
Romancing the Doob A musical prospectus by Brent DiCrescenzo
Last Updated on Thursday, 21 October 2010 20:32
Hey there. It's Lemon, and I've got a little bit of non-podcast ridiculism for you. Obviously, this website is mainly for the podcast of us reading awful shit, but every once in a while, I stumble across something that wouldn't work in podcast form. And, since I'm not currently a writer for any "INTERNET WACKYZONE" websites, I just need to post this here.
October 5th saw the release of a game called Def Jam Rapstar. The concept isn't exactly innovative nor extraordinary - it's one of those karaoke games like SingStar or Lips, except it's entirely rap music which Russell Simmons has decided to to be worthwhile. To be honest, I was interested in trying it just because Rock Band doesn't have Public Enemy's "Can't Truss It", but I knew that Russell Simmons would force me to do a Soulja Boy song first, and that is not acceptable.
But as I was looking into the game, I found out that they added a feature which, for reasons beyond my understanding, no other karaoke game has implemented yet. See, while you are playing Def Jam Rapstar, you can set your game to record video of your performance. What's more, with a few button presses, you can actually upload your video to the Def Jam Rapstar website for people like me to watch!
So, after literally hours of perusing what the performers of Def Jam Rapstar had to offer, I'd like to present to you the best of my findings.
Subject #1: 187 Kaspa
187 Kaspa is the most prolific Rapstar I've seen thus far. While I originally liked him just for the duality of being named "murda ghost" while holding an infant, over the month he's treated Def Jam Rapstar more and more seriously. He's written a number of his own raps, mostly about Jesus, and has used the game as a platform for ther distribution. Here's my favorite Jesus rap, but if you really want to stare at white people without shame, you'll want to hear his song "It'z Murda". Yikes.
Subject #2: Steveish
The rap game, as I'm sure has been said before, is a difficult one. Presumably it's difficult because of the competitiveness, and because of the difficulties with the commercialisation of the form, but mainly, it's difficult because there are so many words! Here's the thing about Steveish - he's a busy guy. And sure, he wants to sing "Nuthin' But A G Thang", but with the amount of words that are in that song, well, you're going to have to accept "close enough". Back to the lature at ham, profession is profession so I letter understam.
Subject #3: Bennett Black
The first person I showed this video to was Bunnybread, and he immediately asked "Can it get any better than the preload image?" Indeed it can. See, Bennett Black is a showman. It starts out with a shirtless man posing and his wife picking his nose, and then the drama builds from there. What will actually happen when the rapping starts? It's up to you to find out!
Subject #4: localcelebrity
Although, let's be honest with ourselves, localcelebrity (the guy with the sunglasses) is not the star of this video. Like so many of these videos, it's about the women. localcelebrity decided to throw a Rapstar party, and he brought his own video ho's with. For those of you who might be breaking into the rap game, make sure your rap video hoes wear blue sweatpants. It's such a good look. But wait! There's more! Later on in the night, localcelebrity got his Romanian (best guess) mother in on the action. And if you really want to get a closer look at sweatpants woman's pantyline, here you go.
Subject #5: emcbura
In all the people I've found, I believe emcbura might be the biggest douchebag. And while this is something of an achievement in itself, it's secondary to his more coveted prize: Rapstar's most disinterested girlfriend. In the video linked to the left, emcbura's girlfriend is disinterested in his Ice Cube remix. In this one
, emcbura's girlfriend hates his Salt N Pepa rendition. And in this one
, emcbura's girlfriend could not care less about his Method Man performance. Try as he might, she just keeps her focus on her computer, presumably making a Facebook update about how she needs to dump her boyfriend.
Subject #6: whitestar
F Plus fans, I have a very important question for you: Have you ever been raped? More importantly, have you ever been Raped by Moby while Nelly's "Hot In Here" was playing in the background? For those of you unlucky enough to answer no, whitestar is here to demonstrate exactly what that experience would feel like. Moreover, you know how kidnappers have their captives make "proof of life" videos for the family paying the ransom? I feel like this video is one of them.
Subject #7: JULIO1019
And while I've got you doing thought experiments, I'd like you to consider this. Ludacris is a very successful rapper. I'm sure this success is mainly because of his guest vocals on Justin Bieber's "Baby" with lyrics like "She had me goin crazy, oh I was starstruck. She woke me up daily, don't need no Starbucks." But we also have to assume his success comes from his "high energy performance" that music writers like to talk about. But what, I question you, would happen if Ludacris was on a shitload of antidepressants? JULIO1019 has the answer.
Subject #8: KITTY AND PINK XL.COM
The last people I want to present to you here are KITTY AND PINK XL.COM. I'm not sure which one is which, nor am I entirely sure of the genders of either. What I do know is that even though there is a .com at the end of their name, I can't find any domain fitting with their group name. This is a terrible shame, because this duo is "OFF THE CHAIN". And if you don't believe me, watch the video for 25 seconds. See? Off the chain. Proof positive. This duo actually has two videos, although the second time they are called KITTYKAT AND PINK. Amazingly their second video is actually more hilarious.
OH GOD, THERE'S MORE...
|A rapper's weapons: a mic and a bouncy ball
||The world's hardest rapper: He's a pepper too.
||Further proof that Keystone light leads to homosexual experimentation.
||This one is mainly here for the pants.
As of this posting, there are 3269 Rapstar videos in The Video Archive. If you're feeling brave, start clicking. And feel free to leave a comment with any gold you might dig up.
Last Updated on Tuesday, 19 October 2010 16:42
Readers: Bunnybread, Lemon, Boots Raingear, Portaxx, bumpgrrl, Stog, John, Jack Chick, and Jimmyfranks
A City Pages Certified A-List Event! For the recording of the Live event, we've split it into two parts. You should probably listen to them in order. Reading list below.
Kendra Wilkinson's Sliding Into Home
Read by Bunnybread
Jennifer Love Hewitt's The Day I Shot Cupid: Hello, My Name Is Jennifer Love Hewitt and I'm a Love-aholic
Read by Lemon
Ice T's The Ice Opinion: Who Gives A Fuck?
Read by Boots Raingear
Paris Hilton's Confessions of an Heiress: A Tongue-In-Chic Peek Behind The Pose
Read by Portaxx
Macaulay Culkin's Junior or Oscar De La Mancha, The Wambling Warrior, and the People I Like The Least.
A Novel Not A Novel. A Written Project From The Normal, Well Adjusted, And "No I Don't Have Issues With My Father" Mind of Macaulay Culkin Junior (Meaning Me)
Read by Bumpgrrl
Dustin Diamond's Behind The Bell
Read by Stog
Kirk Cameron and Ray Comfort's The Way of the Master
Read by John
Read by Jack Chick
Mr. T's Mr. T: The Man With the Gold : An Autobiography of Mr. T
Read by Jimmyfranks
Andy Rooney's 60 Years of Wisdom And Wit
Read by Lemon
Jessica Armbruster at the City Pages for giving us our lovely write-up.
Al McCarty and everyone else at The Blue Nile for hosting the event.
The lovely and talented people at Cake Eater Bakery for their Cakewreck enthusiasm.
- Our loyal fan Christian, for his promotional efforts.
- All of you who managed to make it down to the Nile, and all of you who have been listening to the podcast enough to make us think this was a good idea
- And from me (Lemon), a big thanks to all the readers (and Sanny and Victor), who spent no small amount of money to come to Minneapolis and trusted that I'd show them a good time. I hope I made it worth it.
Last Updated on Wednesday, 13 October 2010 14:41
Readers: Portaxx, Acierocolotl, Boots Raingear, Bunnybread, Stog, John, Jack Chick, Kumquatxop, Isfahan and Lemon
With an registered userbase of over 500 million, Facebook has not been hindered much by niggling security concerns. Enter YourOpenBook. A site which, like Google, searches through all public profiles for people talking about the pressing news of the day, like their uninformed political opinions or details of who is cheating on them now. This week, The F Plus will make you doublecheck your security settings.
The girlfriend saga of Michael Lancer Sommers
SINCE THE RECORDING Michael Lancer Summers has either deleted his account or changed his security settings so he's not public anymore. Either way, good job buddy!
UPDATE: Portaxx was smart enough to keep a couple photos of Michael, so we can all remember his time with us. Here is is shrouded in his favorite fashion accessory. And here he is 2gether4eva with his Kay-Bear. I forget how long "4eva" is.
The Baby Mama saga of Killathump Wikid Ninjaclown (Thumper).
SINCE THE RECORDING, Killathump is in a "It's Complicated" with Brianna, the baby has been born, and they've named it Mari Jain.
Taking her handicaps into consideration, all of us at The F Plus sincerely hope that Mari Jain has a very long, rich and full life consisting of reading books, dressing reasonably and having her name legally changed to something else. Make us proud, baby!
All of our "Mosk" commentators have been screenshotted and compiled in this Google Doc file. You're welcome.
The selection of "Wether" has been similarly compiled for you. Look over here.
BONUS CONTENT: That gDoc also has two results for "chemtrails", a subject for a future episode. Guaranteed.
Then it was selected results from an OpenBook search for "cheating on me". We forgot the save the results for posterity, so let's see what you get!
Same as above for "evolutionism".
EVEN MORE GDOCS:
Yiff • taxes • your worng • "out of jail" • chicken fuck
- Louis Armstrong - A Kiss To Build A Dream On
- Louis Armstrong - Skokiaan
For those who wanted it, extra Basil Marceaux has been uploaded. Check the comments for episode 30.
Last Updated on Tuesday, 21 September 2010 20:47
Readers: Acierocolotl, Portaxx, Boots Raingear, Bunnybread, Stog, Kumquatxop, and Lemon
With a two-party system, and an entrenched media bias favoring the status quo, often it is difficult for less established candidates to have their views heard. As a duty to the country more than half of call home, The F Plus attempts to correct this oversight, and reads the words as written by three overlooked candidates for political office: A fundamentalist libertarian, a man with his own religion, and Basil Marceaux: A man who, even by F Plus standards, is completely unclassifiable. This week, we go way beyond the beltway, and start to wish more people used soap.
Selections from BasilMarceux.Com
Kevin Craig For Congress @ Blogspot
SIDE NOTE: Kevin Craig also has another site that's even uglier and harder to read.
John Charles Wilson Dot Name
We had to chop out a lot of crazy to get this thing close to an hour. If you haven't had enough Basil Marceaux or John Charles Wilson, let us know.
- Ren And Stimpy Production Music
- Whatever it was Jimmyfranks had on his hard drive for his thing.
Last Updated on Sunday, 19 September 2010 18:01
We're going to be printing up a batch of F Plus stickers in the near future, but none of us have had much success coming up with a design idea yet. So we're going to try to see if we can put your collective brains to good use.
What we don't want is a sticker that just has the F+ logo and "Terrible things read with enthusiasm." What we'd really like instead is an image (and possibly some corresponding text) which is more confusing, relating in some tangential way to the podcast (perhaps using a trope like "well known food place" or "only tuna from can please"), with some space for the URL.
If you feel like actually designing the fucker yourself, that's fine, but not necessary. What we're mainly looking for is ideas1.
Please leave whatever ideas you have either as a comment here, or as a comment on the corresponding Facebook thread. If we end up using your design, we'll make sure to mail you a bunch of the newly minted stickers for you to vandalize whatever surface you feel most appropriate.
So let's see what you got!
1: Well, that and an excuse to make Portaxx draw something else for us
Last Updated on Friday, 10 September 2010 20:05
Readers: Acierocolotl, Isfahan, Squiddy McEnnui, bumpgrrl, Portaxx, Boots Raingear, Stog, John, Jack Chick, Kumquatxop and Lemon
As a way to apologize for our sudden and unexpected gap in giving new episodes to you, we've put together these FIVE pieces of new content. The first three are from reading YouTube comments, the fourth one is about aliens, and the fifth one is about one very crazy man's battle with Advil. I know you want to know more, so let's get to it.
Gucci Mane Race War
This six minute short explores the curious case of a race war breaking out on YouTube just from people watching the video for Gucci Mane's song Lemonade.
Here Come The Metalheads
This fourteen minute episode has our ridiculists taking on the YouTube comments comments for a video of Metallica's Enter Sandman. We explore the idea of what corporate rock does for our society and our language. Also we laugh at nimrods.
Let's Settle This Religion Thing
In nearly 20 minutes, we're going to try to solve the question of whether or not God exists. I mean, sure, philosophers, scholars and theologians have been debating this very topic for centuries, but that was before YouTube existed. Now, this whole thing will be a snap.
My Grey Baby
A piece of episode 15 that unfortunately had been ignored until now. This woman thinks she has been impregnated by a grey. Is she right? Yeah, probably.
Sybil At The Movies
There's plenty of sites all over the internet that can give you one man's opinion on a certain book or film. But in this thirty minute episode, we're going to read the opinions of a man who is not in control of his mental faculties, and ends up writing strange essays instead. Madness is inside this podcast, and it might be contageous.
Last Updated on Saturday, 14 August 2010 20:01
I was just checking the stats for the RSS feed, and ended up looking at this number, which made me very happy. Seems a lot of people have been subscribed to the podcast and not visiting the site regularly (as the MP3 downloads far exceeds the thefpl.us traffic), but that doesn't really matter. The point is that more people have been listening, and it's due in no small part to people like you telling your friends and fellow horrible fanfic writers about this little thing we call mockery.
So, thank you. Well and truly, thank you. And as long as you keep listening, we'll keep doing this thing1.
1: Unless we get bored of it.
Last Updated on Tuesday, 10 August 2010 19:09
Readers: Acierocolotl, Portaxx, Boots Raingear, Stog, John, Jack Chick, Kumquatxop and Lemon
With six million registered members, Netflix has become a dominant force in the entertainment industry. In fact, the recommendations given to you each time you sign in to the Netflix home page is crafted that way by what Netflix considers to be your peers - faceless people who have some sort of opinion about the movie in question. This episode, we plan to find the next Harry Knowles... and then mock him for being fat and stupid.
Note: You'll need a Netflix account to view these reviews
Burn After Reading and Planet 51 reviews
Jeff Dunham: Spark of Insanity review
Jeff Dunham: Spark of Insanity reviews
Phone Booth review
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra reviews
A whole bunch of movie reviews from
$Bill, who is fucking amazing and must be recognized
Another two from
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
And I'm still totally serious about figuring out some sort of prize for people that write Netflix style reviews for this episode.